October 05, 2003 - 5:22 PM

Hello Big L,

I need to apologize to you. Last night I left abruptly so I would not say any more harsh words to hurt you. I am sorry. I never mean to hurt you, but anymore it seems that my words do that to you. I�ve only wanted for you to have happiness and joy in your life. I care about you deeply; you mean a lot to me. I respect you and the ideals that you stand for. You�ve been there for me and helped me through some of my life challenges, and I in turn treat you poorly and inconsiderately. My meanness, anger, and brusqueness churns my stomach.

I�ve been drafting this email in my head all morning and afternoon. It seemed like I knew what to say to you an hour ago, but now it just fades from my memory. For a while now I felt as though I was moving on and getting over you; that our platonic friendship was going to be a good one. Well, as my actions dictate I�m not over you. I still have so much to work through. And tellingly, how much I respect, care for, and trust you I�m going to tell you this: I�m exhausted. I�m exhausted from the pain of loneliness. I�m fatigued from the daily struggle to find my place in this world. I�m just plain tired of the depression and sadness that clouds my life; that makes every day such a damn chore. The terror and panic that I get from being around too many people, not knowing if I�m going to wake up happy or sad or in pain, not knowing if I�m ever going to have joy in my life, someone to come home to in the evening after a day of work. I�m sounding very maudlin and morose. Maybe because I just am. Sometimes that�s all you have to go on. I guess I�m getting tired of everyone saying how great things are, how my life is just falling into place, when I know it�s not. I�m such a great actor that way. I�ve acted the part for so long that I tricked myself into believing I was okay and can be happy when in fact I�m not. Medical science tells me if I take 200mg of this and eat and work on this in therapy it�s going to be A-OK for me. Well, after the Lithium, the Prozac, the Wellbutrin, the Lamictal; after the years of therapy and meditating and the visualizations; after all this there are still the panic attacks, the nights of crying, the struggle to eat, and the dull ache that pulls on my chest saying it�s not going good for you, Davey. This morning I suddenly realized that I�m nearing an end. I�m exhausting all the cures, all the ways that I�ve used to cope and manage. And I have to think: what is next?

Driving out to the farm today I saw many a woolly bear caterpillar crossing the roads. I thought I needed to stop and save every one of them from getting run over, as with my obsession of looking for turtles to rescue. Save every one of them. I was thinking this when a huge six or eight point stag jaunted out in front of my car. As I braked and he brushed past my front bumper, hesitated and kicked back staring at me and then running off into the woods I realized I only saw a fog, a haze in my head. I was jolted awake. It occurred to me that it was I who I needed to save. I need to look out for me. An age old and beaten to death adage at best, but I need to bring me home. Yet, where is home for me? I can�t go back to the farm � nor would I want to. Dave is moving on with his life, with his relationship with Aaron. I�m being pushed aside. My only connection to the farm is the dogs. Dave and I are still very good friends but I don�t want to tread on his life. He deserves happiness and love too. Yet, I�m feeling very dislocated. My new place? Yes, it is a home, but sometimes -- more than just sometimes -- a lonely home to go to at night. I thought I would solve a lot of problems living on my own. Creating a space for me. Looking out for me, only me. Having it all for just me. It has afforded me a quiet solitude, but at a hefty price. It is only a place of quiet and solitude. No pets. No people. No cable TV. No sounds other than what is in my head. There are nights where I just can�t stay. I feel overwhelmed. I�m alone there, and alone in not a good way.

Where does this bring us? Not sure. Maybe it brings us to us. Maybe. All I can say is this, Larry. I love you. Regardless of it all, I still love you. I look to you as my best friend, my only confidant. You are the only one I tell of my fears, of my panic attacks, of my pains. A burden I don�t want to saddle you with, but in all honesty, you are the only one I trust. That I can count on. In all of this I�m learning. Learning that even with this pain and joylessness in my life that I can and will go on. [Now I'm sounding like a C�line Dion song� hee.]

Anyhow� Larry, I�m sorry. Sorry for the pain that I sometimes bring to your life. The last thing I want to do is make you angry or hurt or sad. Finally, thank you for listening to me. Being there for me, with me. You are the best. Mister, you�re always in my thoughts. I just wanted to let you know where I am and where I am coming from in all of this. Not sure if I�ve been clear at all.

After all of this, I hope you are doing good. I care about you and your happiness. Please, keep in touch. Let�s get together for lunch soon. As always, we have much to talk about.

Hugs,

Davey

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<<< Past Lives | Future Kharmas >>>

Where to find me now! - August 06, 2004
- - May 27, 2004
Cheers to life!! - April 02, 2004
Dear Dragon Day - March 18, 2004
Re-Org - March 18, 2004

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